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Mr. Trump,

This is a bit uncomfortable to say, given our history over the last year and a half, but here it is: today, I know exactly what I’m going to focus on in my letter to you.  Sure, other days I’ve had to grab wildly at the storm of incoherent tweets, unconstitutional executive orders, unsustainable tax cuts, unwanted and environmentally destructive policies, and unwarranted trade wars in order to find a single topic to consider, but today, I’ve got it.

Your “charitable” foundation just got sued by the New York attorney general.

Happy birthday, Mr. President.  Happy birthday to you.

I notice that you’re already vowing not to settle the suit, just like you did when Trump University got sued.  And maybe, like then, you’ll settle the suit anyway, paying out a substantial sum of money, essentially admitting guilt in order to wave away the charges.

Nice of you, to provide such entertainment around your birthday.  It’s like hiring a clown for your own party, only it turns out that you’re the clown and everyone is seriously creeped out and wondering why this old, sexist, racist dude is playing a clown at his own party.

And by the way: your balloon animals look nothing like the real thing.  Seriously, do you even know what a giraffe looks like?

Also, clowns usually paint their faces white, not orange.

So, this “charitable” foundation got sued and… wait…


You just praised North Korea’s dictator as the “strong head” of his country.  You just claimed that “he speaks and his people sit up at attention” and that “I want my people to do the same.”


How am I supposed to write about the lawsuit against your “charitable” foundation when you’re wondering how you can become more of a lunatic dictator than you already are?  When you’re wondering what you have to do in order to make the USA more like North Korea?  When you’re claiming the American people as “yours?”

Alright.  This is what we’re going to talk about today.  The fact that you serve the people of America, not the other way around.  The fact that you swore — on a freaking Bible, mind you — to protect the constitution, not to turn the United States into a kleptocracy.

And Paul Manafort is going to jail.

Wait, what?

Your former campaign chairman just got his bail revoked and is going to jail?

[Deep breath].

Okay.  That’s what I want you to think about today.  It seems like maybe you don’t understand the difference between bail being revoked and being found guilty, as you tweeted about the “tough sentence” that Paul Manafort had just received, but, all the same, this is not a good look for you.

So, let’s think positive.  In a week in which you saluted a North Korean general, claimed the American people as your own dictatorial property, saw your “charitable” foundation sued, and witnessed the Republican establishment panic over the potential long-term loss of Virginia to the Democratic Party, the week ends with the focus more on one of your cronies than on you.

Small victories, Mr. President.  Small victories.  Tiny victories, even.  The kind you can hold in your pathetic, tiny, corrupt hands.

We didn’t have to check for a file baked into your birthday cake this year.  But, you know, fingers crossed.




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